they still exist

THERE ARE MOMENTS THAT I WILL SPEW VENOM ON HERE. SOME OF MY POSTS WILL SEEM ERRATIC, AS THEY ARE. AT TIMES I WRITE WHATEVER COMES OUT. I HIT POST BEFORE I SILENCE MYSELF. PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM JUST VOMITING OUT NEGATIVE FEELINGS. THEY DON'T ALWAYS MAKE SENSE.

There are so many things on my mind today. One is a constant. Always there. I bury it constantly, by working until I can no longer work. I volunteer for more than I should. I have been diagnosed as having PTSD. I figured. I mean; I saw him. I begged him. I pleaded with him. I loved him. I sometimes still love him. However; I sometimes hate him. There are days I wonder what it will be like to see him again. What questions would I ask? Do I even need to hear them?

My husband is wonderful, yet I feel anger towards him at times. How can a man like him love someone like me? He sleeps, while I can't sleep. He dreams while I face nightmares. 14 yrs I have coped the same way. it isn't working anymore. I am easily angered. I feel as if I am being told to shut up all the time. I do not understand why it is ok for everyone to post about cancer, aids, etc... but yet the mere mention of SUICIDE and you get no likes, comments, shares. But yet we wonder why people are so often left behind. No one wants to be there for you.

The stigma continues...... Suicide is a bad thing and we need not discuss. UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU. Surviving a suicide is extremely hard. I put on the façade that all is ok, even when its not. my mind races ancvd the visions of that night try to intrude. it is a battle everyday to be pleasant, when my dreams have been horrific. Its hard to pretend all the time. I get tired everyday. Tired of the race. Running from crazy. Run, Run, Run..... I am so infuriated at the people who claim to love me. They are the ones who think I am sick. I do not choose to visualize that evening; yet it happens. unexpected, unwelcome, and unwanted.

I feel like I feel nothing. EVER. I have gotten so good at running that I don't know how to slow down. I am uncomfortable around everyone I love. I find triggers everywhere I go. I face them anyway. Most people are oblivious to my pain. I have gotten really good at hiding. I am rocking everyone's boat by dwelling on something I can not change. I still want comfort. I still seek the unknown. I am a witness survivor. I am a suicide survivor. My loved one chose to end his life. In one second, while our knees were touching, while I pleaded and begged; he pulled the trigger. His pain ended that day; mine was barely beginning. At the ripe age of 21, I was told I was not enough.

I am a survivor, I am a woman, and I am trying to heal. I am trying to bring awareness to Suicide. I am tired of being quiet. I want my voice heard. He is silent now, I am enraged. I am finally speaking out, little by little.
Thanks for reading

introduction

This is very new to me. I have never blogged before, but someone suggested I do this. I am a survivor of suicide. I lost someone I loved a LONG time ago, but the pain is still raw. Just need a place to vent everyday struggles with being a survivor of many forms of abuse. Need a place for my words to go, but without hurting those I love. Hope this helps. Please be patient with me. If you have triggers; read with caution. I will see what response comes from this before I start the verbal vomit. 💝💝💝